WANTED 



A Confidential Clerk 



A FARCE IN ONE ACT. 



W. F. CHAPMAN 



PRICE, I ; CENTS. 



NEW YORK: 

HAROLD ROORBACH, PUBLISHER, 

9 Murray Street 



THE ACTING DRAMA. 



PRICE 15 CENTS EACH. 



1 Single Life. 

2 Boarding School. 

3 The Spitfire. 

4 Irish Dragoon. 

«; School for Tigers. 

6 Gabrielle de Belle Isle. 

7 Tipperary Legacy. 

3 Deeds of Dreadful Note. 

9 A. Peculiar Position. 
10 A Private Inquiry. 
xi I'll Tell Your Wife. 

12 Fast Family. 

13 Antony and Cleopatra 

Married and Settled. 
»4 My Friend in the Straps. 

15 School for Scheming(Love 

and Money). 

16 Our Mary Anne. 

17 Miseries of Human Life. 

18 An Irish Engagement. 

19 How to Settle Accounts 

With Your Laundress. 
so Advice Gratis. 
a 1 A Hasty Conclusion. 
22 Weak Points. 
«3 Grace Darling. 
24 A Gray Mare. 
*5 Middle Temple. 

26 The Original. 

27 The Sentinel. 

28 Tiger at Large. 

29 Why Did You Die ? 

30 Sayings and Doings. 

31 Twin Brothers. 

32 Ask no Questions. 

33 Cure for Coquettes. 

34 Cabin Boy. 

35 Who Stole the Spoons ? 

36 Mrs.Gamp'sTeaandTurn 

37 Village Doctor. [Out. 

38 Family Pride. 

39 Queen Mary. 

40 Three Grocers. 

41 Race Ball. 

42 Presented at Court. 

43 A Sign of Affection. 

44 Dancing Barber. 

45 Who's Your Friend ? 

46 Charity. 

47 Wicked World. [ingWell 

48 Mot her and Child are Do- 

49 Lying in Ordinary. 

50 The Ringdoves. 

51 Camille. 

5a Lady Clancarty. 
53 Ten Nights in a Bar-room 
34 Drunkard's Warning. 
f5 Fifteen Years of a 
Drunkard's Life. 

56 Fruits of the Wine Cup. 

57 Aunt Dinah's Pledge. 

58 Yanket Peddler. 

59 Vermont Wool Dealer. 

60 Persecuted Dutchman. 

61 Stage-Struck Yankee. 

6a The Limerick Boy (Pad- 
dy Miles' Boy.) 
63 Drunkard's Home. 

Any pftht above 



64 Bachelor's Bed-Room. 

65 Perfection(the Cork Leg) 

66 More Blunders Than One 

67 Whisky Fiend. 

68 Quite at Home. 

69 bir Dagobert and the 

70 Putting on Airs. [Dragon 

71 A Slight Mistake. 

72 Patches and Powder. 

73 To Let, Furnished. 

74 The Lost Heir. 

75 Is the Man Mad ? 

76 A Trip to Cambridge. 

77 Twenty and Forty. 

78 Hob-Nobbing. 

79 The Great Eastern. 

80 Three Guesses. 

81 Getting up in the World. 

82 Wardrobe. 

83 

84 A Crumpled Rose Leaf. 

85 Wild Flowers. [Ladies. 

86 Don't all Speak at Once, 

87 Woman Nature Will Out. 

88 Funnibone's Fix. 

89 Child of Circumstances. 

90 Women's Club. 

91 Shamrock. 

92 The Changelings. 

93 »«• • 

94 Matrimony. 

95 Refinement. 

96 Master-piece, 

97 Frenchman. 

98 Punch and Judy. 

99 My Precious Betsy. 

100 Woman of the World. 

101 Rob the Hermit. 

102 Love Master, Love Man. 

103 Inhuman. 

104 Champagne. 

105 H M. S. Pinafore. 

106 Family Pictures. 

107 Prison and Palace. 

108 The Bailiff's Daughter. 

109 La Cigale. 

no Broken Promises, 
in The Broken Seal. 

112 Betsy's Profile. 

113 Going Through Him. 

114 Male and Female. 

115 Thoughts Before Mar- 

116 Diplomacy. [riage. 

117 Our Professor. 

118 Hurrah for Paris. 

119 Tittlebat a Father. 

120 Cross Purposes. 

121 Love to Music. 

122 Carried by Assault. 

123 The Locked Door. 

124 Those "Cussed" Waves. 

125 Masquerading for Two. 

126 The Love Flower." 

127 Oh, My Uncle ! 

128 The Dawn of Love. 

129 Juliet's Love Letter. 

130 Bric-a-Brac. 

131 A Cousin to Them All. 



132 The Wanderer's Retanu 
*33 

134 

i35 



Uncle Jack. 
Marrie 



The Married Widows. 
Foresight: or,MyDaugh- 
ter's Dowry. 

136 Muolo the Monkey. 

137 Too Windy for an Um- 

brella. 

138 Beauty and the Beast. 

139 Cinderella. . 

140 Rosebud ; or, the Sleep- 

ing Beauty. 

141 The Princess. 

142 Rumplestiltskio. 

143 Skinflint. 

144 One Must Marry. 

145 John Smith. 

146 just Twenty Years Ago. 

147 Pipes and Perdition. 

148 Under the Curse. 

149 Two Drams of Brandy. 

150 Don't Marry a Drunkard 

to Reform Him. 

151 Ralph Coleman's Refor- 

mation. 

152 Who Got the Pig ? 

153 Money Makes the Man. 

154 Bardell vs. Pickwick. 
155 

156 A Pint of Ale. 

157 

158 Engaged. 

159 My Awful Dad. 

160 Out ia the Streets. 

161 The Law Allows It. 

162 There's Millions in It, 

163 Tootle Tootle Too. 

164 A Purty Shure Cure. 

165 Let those Laugh who 

Win. 

166 AdarkNoight'sBusiness 

167 A Game of Billiards. 

168 The Village Belle. 

169 Cousin Florence. 

170 I Love Your Wife. 

171 The Dutchmanin Ireland 

172 A Woman Will Be a 

Woman. 

173 Lucy's Love Lesson. 

174 Our Utopia (The Es- 

thetic Cousin). [Stars. 

175 The Daughter of the 

176 The Stolen Child. 

177 Well Fixed for a Rainy 

Day. 

178 Cross Purposes (A Mis- 

understanding in 1 act) 

179 The Artist's Stratagem. 

180 Picking up the Pieces. 

181 Lovely. 

182 Irresistibly Impudent. 

183 Love's Young Dream. 

184 Wooing under Difficulties 

185 Rebecca and Rowena. 

186 The Shakespeare Water 

187 Marion Fay. [Cure. 

188 At Sixes and Sevens. 

189 Change Partners. 



will Be sent hy mail on receipt of 'the price , by 



P. O. Box 3410. 



HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 
Baectseer to Roomask * Covpant. 

Murray Street, New York. 



Wanted: 



A Confidential Clerk. 



A FARCE, 



IN ONE ACT, 



M 



BY 



W. F. CHAPMAN 




NEW YORK: 



HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 
9 Murray Street. 



\ 



V 






Copyright, 1887, by Harold Roorbach. 



Wanted: 
A Confidential Clerk 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

JONATHAN DOBBS, A Merchant, with a partiality for proverbs — 
in want of a confidential clerk. 

JOHN McCORMICK, A Hibernian, engaged in the worthy occupa- 
tion of making himself generally useful in Dobbs' office. 

HORATIO LUSHINGTON, Who has seen better days, and has a 
partiality for intoxicating liquors. 

CHARLES VALENTINE, Who has a great idea of his own im- 
portance. 

DICK SHARP, A Loquacious Individual, who thinks he knows a 
thing or two. 

HARRY DALTON, Of quiet habits and respectable connections. 



PROPERTIES. 

Table and three chairs, call-bell, writing materials, newspaper, old 
card case containing a small piece of white paper and a visiting card, 
a twenty-five-cent piece, sling and bandage, letter. 



COSTUMES 



DOBBS. — Business suit, overcoat, hat, gloves and handkerchief. 
Carries umbrella and eyeglasses. 

JOHN. — Cloth trousers and vest ; linen coat. Afterward, bandage 
and arm-sling. 



4 Wanted : A Confidential Clerk. 

LUSHINGTON.— Well-worn black frock coat, buttoned up to the 
chin ; old black trousers, fitting rather tightly ; old black silk hat ; old 
pair of gloves, paper collar, etc. Quite shabby. 

VALENTINE.— Very loud "dude" dress; hat and cane; eye- 
glasses. 

SHARP.— Rather "flashy" attire. 

DALTON.— Very neat suit and hat. 



SCENERY. 




Scene :— Dobbs' Office. Entrance at back. Table, C. Chairs, R. 
and L. of table. Another chair, L. Bell, writing materials, news- 
paper, etc., on table. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right. L. means left. R. C, right centre. L. C, left 
centre. C, centre. Observing you are supposed to face the 
audience. 



Wanted: 
A Confidential Clerk 



Scene : Dobbs' Office. 

John discovered arranging papers, etc., on table. 

John. Ten o'clock, an' the masther not cum yit. I 
wonder phat is kapin' him. I think as how he must be 
toired out, intoirely; an' I'm not at all surprised when I 
think av the great quantity of wurrk he has to do himself. 
I'm plazedto know, however, that he has larnt a little moore 
sense at last, and intends to 'av somebody to help him. 
The other day he sent me wid a letthur to the— the — now 
phat did he call him ? the head eater [editor] 'av the 
noosepaper office ! yis, that was it — the head eater, begorra! 
that's the kind av a job I should like, providin' there was 
sumthin' tasty to eat at ivery meal — well, the masther sent 
me wid a letthur to the head eater av the noosepaper office, 
to say as how he wanted sumbody to help 'urn wid the 
wurrk; an' the head eater av the noosepaper was so plazed 
to 'ear ut that he printed ut on the firrst page av the noose- 
paper, so that ivery wan could see it. [Takes newspaper 
from table.] Now let me see where ut is. [Reads.] 
Wanted for a travelin' menagerie — that's not the wan, any- 
how — oh ! here ut is. Wanted, a young man as confiden- 
tial clerk in a merchant's office. Per-per-permanent situ- 
ashun for an industrious an' steady person. Apply person- 



6 Wanted : A Confidential Clerk. 

ally, betune elivi-n an' twilve o'clock on Wednesday, at 
Jonathan Dobbs', number twilve, Exchange Buildings, 
Water Strrate. Well, now, this is a foine stew to be in, an' 
no mistake. I suppose in the cooarse av a few minutes 
the office of Jonathan Dobbs, Equire, will be besaged wid 
confidential clerks ; an' Jonathan Dobbs, Equire, not here 
to resave 'em. I wonder phat is kapin him, at all. Whist, 
who's this cumin' up the stairs ? [Goes to the door. ,] Well, 
I declare ; if it isn't the masther — Jonathan Dobbs, Equire — 
comin' to my relafe at last. [Hurries about arranging chairs, 
etc.] 

Enter Jonathan Dobbs. 

Jonathan Dobbs. Good morning, John. [Taking- his 

gloves off. ] 

John. Mornin', sur ! [Aside.] I'm sure he worrks too 
hard. He doesn't luk as well this mornin' as he did 
yesterday mornin', when he hiked betther than he does 
now. 

Dobbs. John, take my hat ; John ! 

John. Yis, sur. [Takes hat — is going away.] 

Dobbs. John, assist me to take my coat off. John ! 

John. Yis, sur. [Is carrying overcoat away.] 

Dobbs. John, take my umbrella. John ! 

John. Yis, sur. [Takes umbrella.] 

Dobbs. John ! 

John. Yis, sur. 

Dobbs. That is all, John. 

John. Yis, sur. [Exit, taking hat, coat and umbrella.] 

Dobbs. [Seated at table. Looks at his watch.] Eleven 
o'clock ! In a few moments, I suppose, I shall have some 
applicants for the situation I have advertised. For a great 
number of years I have managed the business alone ; but 
I begin to find it too hard work, and intend taking a young 
man to assist me. I hope I shall be suited quickly. There 



Wanted: A Confidential Clerk. 7 

is an old proverb, which says, " Make hay while the sun 
shines,*' so, while that resplendent orb is darting its golden 
rays upon me — so to speak — I will make out my monthly 
shipping list. [Commences to write quickly. Knock at door.} 
Come in ! [Horatio Lushington enters — sees that Dobbs is 
busy — sits down. He is attired in a well-worn black frock 
coat buttoned up to his chin — an old pair of black trousers, 
which fit rather tightly — an old black silk hat — an old pair oj 
gloves — paper collar, etc. — speaks very slowly and quietly. 
Dobbs does not raise his head to see who has entered.} 
Take a chair ! 

Lush. I have already done so ; thank you. 

Dobbs. That's right ; take another. [Still writing.} 

Lush. One is quite sufficient for my present wants, 
thank you. You are two chair citable [too charitable]. 

Dobbs. [Rising.] I beg your pardon, I To what 

am I indebted for the honor of this visit ? 

Lush. The advertising column of the daily paper. I 
came to apply for the situation of confidential clerk. You, 
I presume, are the advertiser. 

Dobbs. Jonathan Dobbs, at your service. 

Lush. I am honored. 

Dobbs. I have not the pleasure of knowing your name. 

Lush. [Rising and fumbling in his inside coat pocket.} 
Pardon me — I — [Produces an old card case, takes a small piece 
of paper from it, gives it to Dobbs] 

Dobbs. [Fixes eyeglasses — reads.} One shirt, thirty 
cents. Why, this is a pawn ticket! [Gives it to Lushington.] 

Lush. Ah ! so it is. I am grieved to say that pecuniary 
embarrassments, which for some time have been hovering 
around me, rendered it necessary that I should take all 
surplus articles of clothing to him who is ever ready to be- 
friend the poor and unfortunate — namely, my uncle ! 

Dobbs. Dear me ; and your name ? 



8 Wanted : A Confidential Clerk. 

Lush. [Gives Dobbs card. Aside.] My last card ! All 
that was left of them — left of one hundred ! 

Dobbs. [Reads.] Horatio Lushington ! 

Lush. Yes ; but not the Horatio Lushington of former 
days. Comparatively speaking, I am a stranded vessel, 
whom fortune has deserted, and, seeing your advertise- 
ment, I came to offer myself for the situation, so that I may 
once more be enabled to breast the stormy billows of the 
watery deep. 

Dobbs. Pray be seated. [Both sit. ] You seem to de- 
pend a good deal upon fortune ; the old proverb says, 
"Depend not on fortune, but on conduct." Are you a 
married man ? 

Lush. No ■ I have never had the pleasure of leading a 
fair and blushing bride to the hymeneal altar. I have 
been unfortunate in matters connubial, as well as in 
matters pecuniary. It may appear strange, yet 'tis a 
solemn fact ; I was born a bachelor, and have always re- 
mained so. 

Dobbs. Wonderful ! You do surprise me ! " Marriage 
and hanging go by destiny," the proverb says. Where 
were you last employed, and what was your vocation ? 

Lush. At Speed & Slows, as bookkeeper. 

Dobbs. Humph ! And a — how long were you em- 
ployed there ? 

Lush. Two years ! 

Dobbs. Humph ! And a—is it long since you left? 

Lush. Three months ! 

Dobbs. And your reason for leaving was ? 

Lush. Because I had no alternative ! 

Dobbs. You are sarcastic. How is it you had to leave ? 

Lush. A mere trivial matter. I am sure you would not 
object to the same thing. 

Dobbs. Don't be too sure ; be kind enough to tell me 
why you were discharged. 






Wanted: A Confidential Clerk. 9 

Lush. You see the reason was this : At various intervals 
during the day I had a desire to moisten my vocal chords 
with that most delicious of all beverages — beer. To put 
this desire into execution I had to leave the office and wend 
my way across to the public-house. My master insisted 
on my putting an end to these visits. I persisted in con- 
tinuing them. The end of it was, he discharged me, and 
I— left. 

Dobbs. Did you really ? 

Lush. I have given you the plain facts of the case; and 
now I throw myself upon your mercy. Will you — by giv- 
ing me this situation — pilot me out of these troubled waters 
into the calm and placid ocean ? 

Dobbs. The proverb says, " In a calm sea every man is 
a pilot," and that is the reason, perhaps, that you apply to 
me for assistance. " A man's fortunes are the fruit of his 
character," the proverb says; and you must remember, 
tljat you have been reduced to your present straitened 
circumstances through your own misconduct. You speak 
of this misdemeanor of yours as "a mere trivial matter." 
I think it a matter of great importance myself. My adver- 
tisement asks for a steady person. Now, after the frequent 
visits to the public-house to "moisten your vocal 
chords," I have not the slightest hesitation in saying you 
become rather unsteady ; therefore, you are not a suit- 
able person to become the confidental clerk of Jonathan 
Dobbs. 

Lush. [Dolefully. ~\ Fortune again deserts me. 

Dobbs. "Fortune helps them that help themselves," 
the proverb says. As there is nothing further I will wish 
you a good morning. 

Lush. [Rises. ~\ I — a — spare the blushes that are about 
to rise upon these sunken cheeks — 

Dobbs. [Rises, fixes eyeglasses, gazes into Lushington"s 
features. ] Pardon me, but I fail to see the blushes. 



io Wanted : A Confidential Clerk. 

Lush. I said about to rise. 

Dobbs. Ah, so you did ! but why mention it? It is said 
that " Blushing is virtue's color." 

Lush. True ! but, as you are aware, I am at present en- 
tangled in the meshes of poverty's net ; and if you would 
be so kind as to oblige me with a temporary — mark me, 
only temporary — loan of twenty-five cents, I should be 
eternally obliged to you. 

Dobbs. [Aside.] The proverb says, " Who ventures to 
lend loses money and friend." Well, I don't mind risking 
a quarter if it will rid me of his company; so here goes. 
[Gives money. Aloud.] Here, take it, my man ; but not 
to the public-house; use it in a better way. 

Lush. Thank you ; I cannot express my gratitude ! 

Dobbs. [Hurriedly. ] I beg that you will not try to. I 
can assure you I have not time to listen, even if you could; 
so once more, I wish you a good morning. 

Lush. Then farewell, my noble benefactor, farewell ! 
[Exit. ] 

Dobbs. [Seated. ] Such a person as he will not suit me 
at all; his verboseness and partiality for intoxicating liquors 
I could not tolerate. 

Enter John. 

John. Av ye plaze, sur, there's a gintleman down-stairs 
an' he wants to see ye, sur. Says I to him, says I, phat is 
yer name ? says he to me, Charles Valentine. 

Dobbs. What is his business ? 

John. I don't know, sur, but to judge by his appear- 
ance, I should say he had bin used to sthandin' at a tailor's 
shop door, to show the stoile av dress sowld insoide. 

Dobbs. Ask him to come up-stairs. 

John. [At door. Shouts.] Cum up-stairs. 



Wanted : A Confidential Clerk. 1 1 

Dobbs. [Rises.] John, what do you mean by calling 
in that manner ? You must be more polite, and ask the 
gentleman if he will please to walk up-stairs. 

John. There's no fear av him runnin' up, anyhow; he'd 
spile his clothes av he exerted himself at all. 

Dobbs. Silence, sir ! 



Enter Charles Valentine; his dress is very "loud," wears 
an eyeglass. 

Dobbs. Pray be seated. [Places chair, then crosses to his 
own seat. Valentine is about to sit. John takes chair and rubs 
it briskly with his coat sleeve. Valentine falls on floor.] John, 
what are you doing ? [Valentine rises.] 

John. Plaze, sur, I was dustin' the chair. I thought as 
how it might soil the gintleman's unmentionables. 

Dobbs. Leave the room. 

John. [Aside.] Begorra ! I couldn't take it wid me 
very aisy. [Exit] 

Dobbs. I trust you are not hurt by the fall? 

Val. Oh, dear no ; not at all ! 1 confeth 1 wath wather 
startled — the shock wath reawy so unexpected. 

Dobbs. Pray be seated. 

Val. Thank you kindly. [Is about to sit, turns round to 
assure himself that John is not there, repeats this two or three 
times, then sits, leans back in chair, and yawns. ] 

Dobbs. You wish to see me, I believe ? 

Val. Yaas ; I came to appwy for the thituation of confi- 
dential clerk. I pwesume you are [Yawns.] 

Dobbs. [Yawns.] Jonathan Dobbs, at your service. 
[Aside.] I don't think this one will suit me; his dress is 
far too gaudy ; the old proverb says, " The handsomest 
flower is not the sweetest." [Aloud.] So you have come 
about the situation ? Where were you last employed ? 



12 Wanted : A Confidential Clerk. 

Val. I was head clerk at Johnson and [yawns] Thom- 
son's. 

Dobbs. [Fawns.] Oh, in Lime street, I know it. Have 
you any references ? 

Val. Well, no ; you see I weft at a teawy vewy short 
notice. [Fawns.] 

Dobbs. Indeed. [Fawns. Aside.] Confound the fel- 
low, he will set me yawning all day. [Aloud.] How is it 
that you left your last situation ? 

Val. A wittle differwence between the guv'nor and me. 
You see I am reawy vewy fond of thociety — do you reawy 
care for much thociety? 

Dobbs. Well, I am not exactly a lover of solitude. The 
old proverb says, ' ' Solitude dulls the thought, but too much 
society dissipates it." 

Val. Yaas, of course; vewy good. [Fawns.] But you 
see I reawy did not go in too much thociety. I only at- 
tended two or f wee parties and balls a week; but after having 
an evening's enjoyment, and being up vewy late, it reawy 
made me so dreadfuwy sleepy that I reawy — [yawns] I 
reawy could not get out of my bed the next morning; con- 
sequently, I was not vewy punctual at business. The 
guv'nor wemonstrated — spoke to me on the nethethity of 
early rising; but reawy I did not care about being bound 
to be there evewy morning at nine o'clock, so we had an 
argument about the matter, and the end of it wath I 

Dobbs. You were discharged, and now you have the 
audacity to come — without references — and apply for the 
situation I have advertised. The proverb says, '" It is not 
joy or repose which is the aim of life. It is work, or there 
is no aim at all." My advertisement asks for an industrious 
and steady person ; now you cannot say that you are in- 
dustrious, for the old proverb says, "He who rises late 
never does a good day's work." Take my advice; if you 



Wanted : A Confidential Clerk. 13 

wish to get on in the world, you must think of business 
before pleasure. Another old proverb says, "He who 
would thrive must rise at five.*' You seem to differ from 
this, and stay in bed ; therefore, I do not consider you a 
suitable person to become the confidential clerk of Jonathan 
Dobbs. 

Val. [Rises proudly.] Reawy? I came here with the 
vain hope of finding a reawy easy thituation, and a nice 
guv nor. What do I find ? A thituation where one is ex- 
pected to be punctual evewy morning, and an exacting 
guv'nor, who reawy thinks of nothing else but work, and 
quoting proverbs; therefore, I do not think you are a suit- 
able person to become the guv'nor of Charles Valentine, so 
I will wish you a reawy vewy good morning. [Puts hat on; 
is bowing out.] 

John Enters and knocks against Valentine. Valentine's hat 
falls off. John picks it up and gives it to him. 

John. I ax pardin, sur. 

Val. So you ought to, reawy ! [Exit. ] 

John. [Imitating his walk and manner.] So you ought 
to, reawy ! [Turning to Dobbs.] I ax pardin, sur; but 
there's another person wants to see ye, sur. 

Dobbs. Show him in. [Exit John.] I hope he is an 
improvement on the last applicant. The idea of such an 
oscitant and ostentatious individual as he presuming to 
apply for the situation of confidential clerk to Jonathan 
Dobbs. Shakespeare says, "The apparel oft proclaims the 
man," and I think the immortal bard was quite justified in 
his remark, for the apparel of the last applicant showed at 
once what kind of individual he was. 

Enter John, followed tyy Dick Sharp ; his dress is rather 

fast. 

John. This way, sur, av ye plaze. 



14 Wanted: A Confidential Clerk. 

Sharp. [Speaks very rapidly all through.'] Oh, it's all 
right ! — not so much ceremony about it. If there is one 
thing I dislike more than another, it's ceremony. [Puts 
hat on table. Sits down.] You Hibernians have always 
such a great amount of palaver ; it's all bosh, you know, 
when all's said and done. 

John. Phat d'ye mean ? D'ye mean to insult me by 
castin' imputashuns on me counthry ? Begorra, I'll — well, 
wait till ye cum down-stairs. 

Dobbs. [Sharply.] John, leave the room ! 

Sharp. [Imitating Dobbs. ] John, leave the room ; we 
wish to be alone, John — we have business, John, in which 
your services are not required, John. [Exit John, shaking 
his fist at Sharp. ] 

Dobbs. [Aside.] What a domineering fellow this is. 
[Direct.] To what particular piece of good fortune am I to 
attribute the honor of this visit? 

Sharp. Oh, it's all right, old man ! keep cool ! don't get 
excited about it ' 

Dobbs. I beg 

Sharp. [Waving his hand.] Be calm, sir, becalm! If 
there is one thing I dislike more than another, it is to be 
with a person who becomes excited over trifles. You 
know you're a nice, quiet old party, you are ; and there's 
not the least occasion for you to agitate or disturb your- 
self beyond your usual state on my account; not the least 
occasion. 

Dobbs. I beg your pardon, but 

Sharp. Oh, don't mention it, I beg ; I'm quite comforta- 
ble here, so there's no occasion for you to apologize. If 
there is one thing I dislike more than another, it is apol- 
ogies. You're a nice old party, you are, and I fully ap- 
preciate your modesty ; but, as I previously remarked, 
there is no occasion for you to apologize. When one 
enters a place of business, one does not expect to find it 



Wanted: A Confidential Clerk. 15 

as exuberantly furnished as a large and palatial mansion 
— not at all. 

Dobbs. You are laboring under a great hallucination. 
I was not going to make an apology. You should always 
hear first and speak afterwards ; the old proverb says, 
"Confine your tongue, lest it confine you." 

Sharp. Exactly — grand piece of advice for those who 
are talkative ; but, you see, I am not so. No ! if there is 
one thing I abhor more than another, it is the company of 
a loquacious individual. 

Dobbs. [Aside.] Well, I never, in the whole course of 
my existence, came across such a garrulous person as 
this ; he is unbearable. The proverb says, ' ' He must 
have leave to speak that cannot hold his tongue ;" but I 
must bring this interview to a conclusion. [Direct.] You 
have not yet stated your name and business. 

Sharp. I beg parding ; I have been so absorbed in our 
delightful conversation, I had quite forgotten that all-im- 
portant portion of my visit 

Dobbs. [Aside.] Our conversation ! and I have scarcely 
spoken a dozen words. [Direct.] The proverb says, 
"Time is money;" therefore you should not waste any 
valuable time in idle talk. You should always come to 
the point at once. The proverb says 

Sharp. Exactly. I know it does. You told me all 
about it a moment ago. I always admire the man who 
comes to the point at once. If there is one thing I dis- 
like more than another, it is to hear any one beating 
round the bush. When / have business I always come 
to the point; in fact, I have been sharp from the moment 
I commenced to exist, when I was very young — I've 
been young once — any one who saw me now wouldn't 
think it, would he ? 

Dobbs. [Impatiently.] Is this all you have to say to me? 
The old proverb says 



1 6 Wanted : A Confidential Clerk. 

Sharp. So you said before : but to the point — my name 
is Sharp — Dick Sharp — and my reason for appearing be- 
fore you this morning is to apply for the situation of confi- 
dential clerk. 

Dobbs. [Rises.] What! you apply for the situation of 
confidential clerk to Jonathan Dobbs ? Why, you 

Sharp. Now, why will you insist on exciting yourself 
in this manner ? You're a nice old party, you are, and I 
can't bear to see you agitated when there is no occasion 
for it. [Rises.] Pray, sit down, sir, and calm yourself. 
[Pushes Dobbs gently back into his chair. ] 

Dobbs. [Enraged.] Really, sir, I do not wish to be 
rude, but I beg you will not be so familiar. 

Sharp. [Seated on table at end nearest to Dobbs' chair.] 
Oh, it's all right, old man ! I'm a knowing young man, I 
am, and I can see that you and I are going to w r ork har- 
moniously together, aren't we ? [Slaps Dobbs on the back 
with his open hand.] 

Dobbs. [Angrily.] I would have you know, if you 
don't already know, that some men are very short-tem- 
pered. Unfortunately, I belong to that class of individ- 
uals ; therefore, I wish you to understand that I cannot 
possibly put up with much more of this kind of thing. 

Sharp. Oh, it's all right, old man, let us to business. 
You are in want of a confidential — and I am the very 
person to supply that want. 

Dobbs. Indeed ! you must allow me to be a judge of 
that. Where have you been employed before ? 

Sharp. Well, I have been at all kinds of trades and all 
kinds of places ; so I know a thing or two, I do. 

Dobbs. [Aside.] Oh, a "Jack of all trades, and master 
of none." [Direct.] The old proverb says, "A rolling stone 
gathers no moss." 

Sharp. No, of course not — don't see how it could — I be- 
lieve I have heard that before more than once. You ask 



Wanted: A Confidential Clerk. iy 

me where I have been employed — well, I commenced my 
business career about two years ago in a lawyer's office, 
but, not having the "gift of the gab/' which is absolutely 
necessary in that particular business, my engagement was 
but a brief owe. Being tired of wielding a pen, I obtained 
a situation in a dry goods establishment; but the business 
was anything but a lively one ! so of corset (course it) 
didn't suit me, and my stay was very short. My next situ- 
ation was at an undertaker's — oh, gemini ! — hitherto I had 
taken dry goods to be the quietest business in existence, 
but after serving one or two days at the undertaker's, I 
had cause to alter my opinion. A more dismal place it 
was never my fortune to enter — there was a kind of chilli- 
ness pervaded the establishment which set me coffi?i 
(coughin') from morn till night. I stayed only three 
days — it was quite long enough, I can assure you. 

Dobbs. Was that your 

Sharp. [Puts his hand on Dobbs' shoulder. ] Here, I say, 
don't take all the conversation yourself — let me get a 
word in now and then. If there is one thing I dislike 
more than another, it is a one-sided conversation — just 
have a little patience. 

Dobbs. [Aside.] I verily believe there will be a row 
here directly. 

Sharp. My next situation was at a cheese store, but the 
smell of the cheese was so strong, I stayed only a tveak 
(week). I went next to a tailoring establishment, think- 
ing I was cut out for the business. When I saw the gov- 
ernor I thought wed suit (tweed suit) each other very well 
— but he wanted too much of his own way, so I left. After 
that I went into the barbering business. Were you ever in 
the barbering line ? 

Dobbs. [Stiffly.] Certainly not, sir ! 

Sharp. Oh, it is all right — don't get excited over it. 



1 8 Wanted : A Confidential Clerk. 

Dobbs. [Aside.] If he goes on in this way much longer, 
I shall be under the painful necessity of forcibly ejecting 
him from my premises. [Direct.] If you have anything 
more to say to me you will oblige me by saying it quickly, 
as I have other business which requires my immediate atten- 
tion. 

Sharp. Then I will be as short as possible. After being 
at the barber's a fortnight, I longed for a change, and ob- 
tained a situation as waiter in a restaurant. 

Dobbs. The proverb says, "It is impossible for a man 
who attempts many things to do them all well." Was 
that 

Sharp. No ; I began to aspire for a higher position. I 
left the restauraut — obtained a situation as clerk in a drug 
store. I had not been there many weeks, when my search- 
ing eyes chanced to alight upon your advertisement for a 
confidential. I perused it very carefully — thought over my 
past situations, and said to myself, Richard — when solilo- 
quizing I always address myself as Richard — Richard, my 
boy, Richard — here is a glorious opportunity for you to 
meliorate your commercial position — you are a cute young 
man — you know your way about — and what is more, you 
are in possession of the knowledge as to how many beans 
count five. This, Richard, is exactly the kind of person 
that is required for this position. Richard, you have 
striven a long time to obtain a situation for which you 
were suited, and now your efforts are about to be crowned 
with success ; the pinnacle of fame will soon be adorned 
by the imposing figure of Richard Sharp. After soliloquiz- 
ing in that manner for a long period, I decided to abandon 
my situation at the drug store — which decision I immedi- 
ately put into execution — come down to see Jonathan Dobbs 
— and get the thing settled. 

Dobbs. Humph ! Don't you think you were rather hasty 
in giving up your situation? The proverb says, "Catch 



Wanted : A Confidential Clerk. 19 

not the shadow and lose the substance." Of course it is 
nothing but right that you should strive to better your 
position; but the old proverb says, "A bird in hand is 
worth two in a bush." 

Sharp. Exactly — a very wise proverb — the author of it 
must have been a man of wonderful insight. I know per- 
fectly well that a dollar in my pocket is worth more to me 
than two of the same species of coin are in your pocket ; 
yet, notwithstanding all this, I left my other situation — and 
here I am. Now, don't you think we shall suit each other, 
eh? [Slaps Dobbs on back.'] 

Dobbs. [Rises.] Confound it, sir! What the dickens 
do you mean by 

Sharp. [Rises from table.] Oh, it's all right, you 

Dobbs. But I say it is not all right ! Hang it, sir, you 
are incorrigible ! 

Sharp. Oh, I see, you will have your little jokes — I sup- 
pose I am to have the situation, eh? [Slaps Dobbs on 
back. ] 

Dobbs. No ! Most emphatically no ! Do you think I 
have taken leave of my senses ? Do you think that jyou are 
a fit and proper person to become the confidential clerk of 
Jonathan Dobbs? If so, permit me to inform you, that 
you are not — I say you are not, and now we have arrived 
at this long wished for conclusion, you will please me by 
leaving my office, and that as speedily as possible. [Sits 
down. Rings bell.] 

Sharp. Well — you are a nice old party — you are, and — 

Enter John. 

Dobbs. John, show this person out ! 

John. Throw him out ? Av cooarse I will — bekase why ? 
Didn't he insult me counthry ? Hurro ! out ye go. [Is 
going to strike Sharp with a chair— Sharp seizes his hat and 



20 Wanted : A Confidential Clerk. 

runs out, followed by John. Great noise ouhide — Dobbs goes 
to the door. ] 

Dobbs. Good gracious ! They have both fallen down- 
stairs ! [Sits down fanning himself with handker chief ~\ Oh, 
why did I put that confounded advertisement in the news- 
paper? [Wipes his forehead with handkerchief^ If I have 
any more applicants I shall go mad. The first one, be- 
cause I do not think him suitable, pleads poverty, and bor- 
rows a quarter, which I have not the slightest hope of 
ever having returned. The next, a most indolent fellow — 
had I engaged him — would have required two or three ser- 
vants to wait upon him. Then the loquacious individual, 
after wasting an hour of my valuable time, agitates my 
nervous system by falling headlong down-stairs with my 
servant. Luckily for the persons interested, there are not 
many to fall down ; so I don't think they will suffer be- 
yond a shaking. [John enters limping — his arm in a sling — 
bandage round his head. ] 

Dobbs. Good gracious, John ! What have you done ? 

John. [Dolefully. ] Nothing ! He wouldn't give me the 
chance to do anything at all ; but he has done plenty for 
me. Oh, murther, I'm kilt ! It's the flrrst toime that I've 
tried to throw anny man out, but begorra, ut'll be the last ! 

Dobbs. I said show him out — not throw him out. 

John. Did ye? If I had knowed that I wouldn't have 
bin in the state I am now, anyhow. You see I was tryin' 
to push um down-stairs, when he tumbled an' pullt me wid 
um. When we got to the bottom, he amused himself by 
knockin' me about for a short time, an' thin he threw me 
out in the strrate. Oh, murther ! when I got up I thought 
I was a corpse ! The young man out of Mr. Smith's office 
tied as much av me together as he could foind ; but I be- 
lave there's two ur three moore pieces lyin' about the strrate 
yit [Knock at door. ] 



Wanted : A Confideiitial Clerk. 21 

Dobbs. See who is knocking, John. 

John. Oh, I quite forgot, sur, I cum up to tell ye, sur; 
it's another confidential. 

Dobbs. What? [Rushes to door. Locks it.] I'll have 
no more in this place to-day, if I know it. What kind of 
person is he? 

John. A very plazing' an' quiet lukin' young man, sur. 

Dobbs. Oh, nothing like the other applicants ? 

John. The what aunts ? 

Dobbs. Applicants— the persons who have been here 
this morning. 

John. [Aside.] That's quare ; I always thought the 
male ginder was called uncles. [Direct. ] No, sur ; he is 
quite different from the other men, especially the last one. 

Dobbs. [Is going to unlock door — turns to John.] You 
are certain he looks quiet? 

John. Yis, sur. 

Dobbs. We shall see. [Unlocks door.] Come in. [Sits 
down. ] 

Enter Harry Dalton — he is dressed very neatly. 

Dobbs. [Aside.] Ah ! a decided improvement on the 
other applicants. The proverb says, ' ' The greatest learn- 
ing is to be seen in the greatest plainness." [Aloud to 
Dalton. ] Pray be seated. 

Dalton. Thank you, sir. [Sits.] 

John. [Aside.] I'll go an' see av I can foind anny moore 
av meself lyin' about the strrate. [Exit.] 

Dobbs. You wished to see me, I believe ? 

Dalton. Yes, sir ; I have come to apply for the situation 
of confidential clerk. 

Dobbs. Oh, indeed. Where have you been employed 
before ? 



22 Wanted ; A Confidential Clerk. 

Dalton. With Mr. Crossley, of Broad Street, as confi- 
dential clerk ; but he is retiring from business on account 
of his failing health, so I am obliged to seek other employ- 
ment. 

Dobbs. Humph! You have references, I suppose? 

Dalton. Yes, sir. [Passes letter — Dobbs reads. ] If that 
is not sufficient, Mr. Crossley wished me to refer you to 
him. 

Dobbs. [Holding letter. ] This is quite sufficient, thank 
you. Mr. Crossley says you are always punctual, and I 
am glad' to hear it; the proverb says, "Punctuality is the 
soul of business ; 7 Mr. Crossley also says that he has 
never known you to neglect your duties ; that is all I re- 
quire. The proverb says, "Take care of your business, 
and your business will take care of you." 

Dalton. I never neglect my business for pleasure ; but 
when I have a holiday I enjoy it as much as any one. 

Dobbs. Quite right! "All work and no play makes 
John a dull boy," as the proverb says. And now you will 
please to consider yourself engaged. 

Dalton. Thank you, sir ; I am extremely obliged to you 
for this kind favor, and I shall do all that lies in my power 
to please you in anything I am called upon to do. 

Enter John. 

Dobbs. Well said. I am glad that my troubles have at 
last been brought to so happy a conclusion. 

John. It may be a happy conclusion for you, sir, but I 
consider it anythin' but a happy one for me. Luk at the 
state I'm in ! Begorra ! I'd make a good painter's model 
for a picture entitled "The Wounded Sojer." But niver 
moind, I'm not so badly hurt afther all, an' if we have 
succeeded in plazin' our kind frinds, I consider mesilf well 
paid. 






Wanted : A Confidential Clerk. 23 

Dobbs. [Rises. Addressing audience.'] This is the first 
time I have gone through the ordeal of engaging a clerk ; 
and in so doing, I have experienced a great degree of 
trouble and annoyance. All the applicants I have had are 
but copies from characters which are to be met with in our 
everyday life. Let us hope that there are none here who 
have the faults of the first three ; the proverb says, ' ' The 
only sure path to a tranquil life is through virtue." Take 
an example from our young friend Harry Dalton, and then 
you will not go far astray. The proverb says, ' ' Who loves 
his work and knows to spare, may live and flourish any- 
where. " 

Dobbs, C. 

John, R. C. Dalton, Z. C 

Curtain. 



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THE TRIPLE WEDDING. 

A Drama, in Three Acts, by Charles Barnard. 

Four male, four female characters — Leading juvenile man, comic old man, 
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The plot is novel and ingenious, the situations well worked out, and the interest 
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Synopsis.— Act I., The Trust j Act II., The Search ; Act III., The Wedding. 
Time of performance, one hour and a quarter. 



SECOND SIGHT; OR, YOUR FORTUNE FOR A DOLLAR. 

A Farciqal Comedy, in One Act, by Bernard Herbert. 

Four male and one female characters — Light comedian, low comedian, Irish- 
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WANTED : A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. 

A Farce, in One Act, by W. F. Chapman. 

Six male characters, viz.: Eccentric old man, with a partiality for proverbs ; 
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A LESSON IN ELEGANCE. 

A Comedy in One Act, by Bernard Herbert. 

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height of the season. 

Consists purely of light comedy, is bright and brisk in action, with plenty of 
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BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. 

A Drama, in Five Acts, by H. V. Vogt. 

Nine male and three female characters, viz.: Leading and second juvenile 
men, old man, genteel villain, walking gentleman, first and second light comedians, 
heavy character, low comedian, leading and second juvenile ladies and comic old 
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A thoroughly good drama, worthy of the best talent. The action takes place 
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Well adapted to the use of G. A. R. posts, though not confined to them in interest. 
The plot is interesting and well developed; the situations are striking; the 
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THE ETHIOPIAN DRAMA. 



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14 Uncle Jeff. 

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17 The Magic Penny. 

18 The Wreck. 

19 Oh, Hush ; or. The Vir- 

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52 Bone Squash. 

53 The Virginia Mummy. 
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S5 Comedy of Errors. 

a6 Les Miserables. 
*7 New Year's Calls. 
38 Troublesome Servant. 
99 Great Arrival. 

30 Rooms to Let. 

31 Black Crook Burlesque. 

32 Ticket Taker. 

33 Hypochondriac. 

34 William Tell. 

35 Rose Dale. 

36 Feast. 

37 Fenian Spy. 

38 Jack's the Lad. 

39 Othello. 



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40 Camille. 

41 Nobody's Son. 

42 Sports on a Lark. 

43 Actor and Singer. 

44 Shylock. 

45 Quarrelsome Servants. 

46 Haunted House. 

47 No Cure, No Pay. 

48 Fighting for the Union. 

49 Hamlet the Dainty. 

50 Corsican Twins. 

51 Deaf — in a Horn. 

52 Challenge Dance. 

53 De Trouble begins at 

Nine. 

54 Scenes at Gurney's. 

55 16,000 Years Ago. 

56 Stage-struck Darkey. 

57 Black Mail. 

58 Highest Price for Old 

Clothes. 

59 Howls from the Owl 

Train. 

60 Old Hunks. 

61 The Three Black Smiths. 

62 Turkeys in Season. 

63 Juba. 

64 A Night wid Brudder 

Bones. 

65 Dixie. 

66 King Cuffee. 

67 Old Zip Coon. 

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69 Porgy Joe. 

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71 De Coon Hunt. 

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74 Under de Kerosene. 

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THE AMATEUR AND VARIETY STAGE 



76 De Debbil and Dt 

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82 Mumbo Jum. 

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90 Scippio Afncanus. 

91 De Ghost ob Boot 

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92 De Darkey Tragedian. 

93 Possum l'at. 

94 Dat Same Ole Coon. 

95 Popsey Dean. 

96 De Rival Mokes, ♦ 

97 Uncle Tom. 

98 Desdemonum. 

99 Up Head. 

100 De Maid ob de Hunk- 

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101 De Trail ob Blood. 

102 De Debbil and de 

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103 De Cream ob Tenors. 

104 Old Uncle Billy. 

105 An Elephant on Ice. 

106 A Manager in a Fix. 

107 Bones at a Raffle. 

108 Aunty chloe. 

109 Dancing Mad. 
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Afloat and Ashore. 

Aladdin and the Wonderful 

Lamp. 
All's Fair in Love and War. 
Bad Temper, A 
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Curiosity. 
Caught in his own Toils. 
Closing of the " Eagle." 
Dark Deeds. 
Eligible Situation, An 
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Frog Prince, The 
Furnished Apartments. 
Girls of the Period, The 
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Hood. 
Harvest Storm, The 
His First Brief. 
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BY FORCE OF 



J± Drama in Five Acts 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




017 400 916 8 



Price, 15 Cents. 



Nine male, three female characters, viz.: Leading and Second Juvenile Men, 
Old Man, Genteel Villain, Walking Gentleman, First and Second Light Comedians, 
Heavy Character, Low Comedian, Leading and Second Juvenile Ladies and Comic 
Old Maid. Time of playing, Two hours and a half. 

SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. 



Act I. Love vs. Impulse. — Doller- 
clutch's office. — A fruitless journey, a 
heap of accumulated business and a 
chapter of unparalleled impudence. — 
News from the front. — A poor girl's 
trouble and a lawyer's big heart. — Hil- 
da's sad story. — " I '11 see this thing 
through if it costs me a fortune!" — A 
sudden departure in search of a clue — 
The meeting of friends. — One of nature's 
noblemen. — Maitland betrays his secret 
by a slip of the tongue. — The ball at 
Beachwood. — Two spooneys.f resh from 
college.lose their heads and their hearts. 
— " Squashed, by Jupiter! "' — Trusting 
innocence and polished villainy. — The 
interrupted tryst. — An honest man's 
avowal. — A picture of charming simpli- 
city. — Murdefl and Hilda meet face to 
face. — "I dare you to make another 
victim !" — A scoundrel's discomfiture. — 
Tableau. 

Act II. The Separation. — The Mait- 
land homestead. — Anastasia's doubts. — 
A warm welcome and its icy reception. 
— Forebodings and doubts.— Father and 
son. — Searching questions.— A domestic 
storm and a parent's command. — A 
foiled villain's wrath. — Enlisting for -the 
war. — The collapse of the cowards. — 
" It 's no use, 'Dolphy, the jig 's up !" — 
Hilda's sympathy and Adrienne's silent 
despair. — The result of impulse. — The 
father pleads for his son. — Anastasia 
and Dollerclutch. — Coriolanus comes to 
grief. — Good and bad hews. — Husband 
and wife. — Reginald demands an ex- 
planation. — A band without a heart. — 
The separation. — A new recruit. — Too 
Hate; the roll is signed. — Tableau. 

Act III. Duty vs. Impulse. — Four 
Tears later. — A camp in the army. — 
Longings. — "Only six miles from 
home !" — The skeleton in the closet. — 
A father's yearning for his child. — A 
woman-hater in love. — Dollerclutch's 
dream. — A picture of camp life and fun. 
— Coriolanus has his revenge. — News 
from home.— Dollerclutch makes a big 
find. "Eureka!" — Proofs of Hilda's 
parentage and marriage. — A happy old 



lawyer.— "I '11 take them to Hilda!"— 
Detailed for duty. — A soldier's tempta- 
tion. — The sentinel deserts his post. — 
The snake in the grass. — "At last, I can 
humble his pride ! " 

Act IV. The Reconciliation and 
Sequel.— At Reginald's home. — News 
from the army. — " Grant is not the man 
to acknowledge defeat!" — Adrienneand 
Hilda. — False pride is broken. — The re- 
conciliation. — " Will Reginald forgive 
me?" — Dollerclutch brings joy to Hil- 
da's heart.— "You are the daughter of 
Morris Maitland !"— The stolen docu- 
ments and the snake in the grass. — 
"Hang me if I don't see this thing 
through !" — A letter to the absent one. — 
Face to face.— The barrier of pride 
swept down. — "Reginald, I love you; 
come back!" — The happy reunion.— An 
ominous cloud. — "I have deserted my 
post; the penalty is death. I must re- 
turn ere my absence is discovered !" — 
The* wolf in the sheep! old. — A wily 
tempter foiled. — A villain's rage. — 
"Those words have sealed your doom !" 
— The murder and the escape. — 
Dollerclutch arrives too late. — The pur- 
suit. 

Act V. Divine Impulse. — In camp. — 
Maitland on duty. — The charge of de- 
sertion and the examination. — "I knew 
not what I did !" — The colonel's lenity. — 
Disgrace. — News of Adrienne's murder 
is brought to camp. — Circumstantial 
evidence fastens the murder upon Reg- 
inald. — The court-martial. — Convicted 
and sentenced to be shot. — Preparations 
for the execution. — ' God knows I am 
innocent! " — Dollerclutch arrives in the 
nick of time. — "If you shoot that man 
you commit murder!" — The beginning 
of the end. — "Adrienne lives!" — A vil- 
lain's terror. — Adrienne appears on the 
scene. — " There is the attempted assas- 
sin !"— Divine impulse. — The reward of 
innocence and the punishment of vil- 
lainy. — Good news.-" Hurrah, the war 
is over; Lee has surrendered to Grant!" 
— The happy denouement and finale. — 
Tableau. 



Copies mailed, post-paid, to any address on receipt ofitlte advertised price. 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher 

9 MURRAY ST„ NEJW YORK. 



